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A NEW BLOG POST TO START WITH

2008-03-17T07:16:00.003-07:00

HI...

MISTAKES

2007-11-29T13:43:00.000-08:00

oi made a terrible mistake yesterday, probably out of complete madness. when i was caught, my heart sank right to my ankles. i thought i can feel my legs & probably my ass as well. no one had any idea. & to that one special person, i'm sorry our day is spoiled. i'm sorry that things turned out like that. the fact is, i'm in it as well. i'm sorry i wasn't a good friend, sort of. i called a lot of people up for help.

i called up Godmom, Jonathon, Terrence, Susan, Heidi, Junjie, Apit & anyone i seriously could think of then. i was shaking, i was so scared then. there's so many incoming calls, & all that fucking old hag can tell me to do was to reject them. i rejected so many of Roslee's, Susan's & Jonathon's calls. then, Dad's number flashed on the mobile screen. i thought my heart skip a beat, & answer it uncertainly. i almost died, i swear. Mom came down to fetch me. i can't tear my eyes off her face, the look of despair & disappointment is everything that i did not ever want to see. i guess she's disappointed because she wasn't the first one that i called for help. but one thing she didn't know, is that when i was caught, she & Dad was all i could think of.

things were even more difficult to handle at home. i could never ever forget the tension & the atmosphere, never. i called up Godmom to cry & i called back Terrence, things still weren't okay. i called up Jonathon, Celine, Roslee & Justin to said that i'm sorry. i made a terrible mistake, i can't erase it away. i won't forget the punches & kicks that Dad threw at me today. never mind the bruises, i know i'm in the wrong & that i have let him down. i just, can't believe what's going on right now. i silently swore, that i don't want anything to do with that place anymore, which can be quite a funny thing.

hey, people make mistakes, don't they? even i did, know. have you ever screwed things up so much that you think there's nothing you can do to make any amentments? well, i do. i do.

BASKETBALL

2007-10-26T16:05:00.000-07:00

the past few days have been awesome, i swear. (: i went to AMK Hub with April honey bunny, & we went to get some hair accessories. i got myself a new head band, & i thought it looks totally fabulous. oh, & she got me a wallet! i love it, i fucking swear. then, off to meet Maria & Baya at half-court.

i got myself changed into FBT shorts at April's house, & then off to play basketball! Maria, April, Fadly, Baya, Kenglong & Raymond could possible be the best basketball campanions ever! hell yeah! i don't hope to grow any taller just by playing basketball, because i know i wouldn't. but i can't wait to play again, if i ever ever did have the chance to get out of the house this week. (:

I'VE BEEN BUSY, LATELY

2007-10-20T22:42:00.000-07:00

lots & tons of movies are waiting for me to be watch (online), so many things to see to at home. 'cos i wanna make sure that shits don't happen, & it weren't easy. oh, i was out with the girls in town as well.

OCTOBER 18, THURSDAY
i was finally out of the house. (: thank god, i had a hard time getting Mom & Dad to agree to it. hectic. i reached April's when it's almost three, then i was told that there's a change of time. :/ then, met up with Roslee to get some ciggies to pass time. but, we still ended up being late because it was raining.

i saw many familiar faces in town. (: sigh, being home late means endless nagging from parents. whatever, i'm starting to get used to it, already. oh, & out of the sudden, Mom got my hair dyed a deep reddish-purple. &...

I LIKE IT A LOT! ((:

besides, i also got a new set of coloured contact lenses, which Dad brought for me earlier on. new stuffs, new this, new that, i love it.

IT'S FEELING HOT IN HERE

2007-10-17T16:20:00.000-07:00

CREDITS: HERE & HERE

yes, a fire have already devoured the whole of my neighbourhood's market & food center. people was like, already crowding by the road area there when me & Mom decided to get some breakfast this morning. i guess this fire is the hottest topic in the neighbourhood now.

the fire started last night, & according to Dad (who was nearby when the fire started), it was spreading fast. my heart goes out to all the stallholders, it must be a great loss. the whole entire market was in ruins.

"hey, is there anyone killed in the fire anot?"
"got quite a number, you know, about 200 or 300 lives gone, just like that."
"really eh? really anot?"
"neh, got those fishes, chickens, pork & crabs in the market. all die already loh."

"market's being burned down just like that. you next time no need go buy veggies already."
"yeah! i no need to cook already, probably for the next 2 years!"
"you serious uh?"
"the whole family can eat plain porridge & canned food then." -laugh out loud.

-__-"

that's mom, she can basically joke about anything.

okay, i just bitch with my friend on MSN. it's short, but it's fucking hilarious, i swear. she just bitch to me about who she saw & stuffs like that. yeah, it's pretty entertaining. those sluts can kiss my arse already, i don't care. since that cock-sucking bitch's sooooo good at sucking up to people, she can do so anyway, i won't give a damn about it. hey girl, you can suck up right up her ass, i still don't give a hoot.

LETTING MY TEARS COME

2007-10-16T23:56:00.000-07:00

the past few days have been pretty bad, yeah. i was home for almost the whole entire week. take that, will you? see if you can beat me to it. (: well, i called April up when it's about past 11, i cried. after i hang up, it then hit me, "hey, i finally memorised her mobile number!"

*pats on my own back.*

i spend my weekend at Granny's house, Jurong. Justin's there, & we had breakfast together. he's a darling, he poses & make faces when asked to be taken a photo with. i love it.

after a long day, was home, once again. i feel tired & i wanna go out badly. i miss the girls, i miss everyone. okay, maybe not everyone. well, you know what. i don't miss school.

I DON'T MISS IT, AT ALL.

yeah, not at all. i remembered, having a hard time this year. new class, new friends, new this, new that, everything seems new to me. i don't remember having a day in which i really enjoyed myself. i'm not indicating anything, but there's gonna be people somewhere here & there having a hard time. & some people just don't understands & makes it worst! i remember my sweet 16 this year, the worst image is kept, locked away somewhere in the bottom of my heart. i can only let little people know what happened.

you know, sometimes, it does you no good to let (certain) people know too much about you. no good at all. i do let people know about me. but if i ever have any doubt about you, i won't think about opening up to you. i just saw the message that Maria let in my mobile, as draft. i know it's meant for me to see, & i cried while reading it to myself silently.

i know i'm being appreciate for all the things that i have done. it's enough, it really is. sometimes, i just feel tired to carry on. i know i cry too much, but i came to know that it's okay. (: i'll just let it water my soul. despite staying at home for the whole week, i actually find it "fruitful" because i get to catch up on a lot of movies that i missed & those i wanted to watch so bad! Brother have given a website full of movies upload & i just find it fantastic! erm, don't ask me about it, he's only sharing it with me! :/ so far, i've watched -

28 days later
a cinderella story
american pie wedding
benchwarmers
click
date movie
disturbia
evan almighty
final destination, final destination 3
freedom writers
hostel 2
house of wax
king kong
knocked up
material girls
mean girls
mr woodcock
the number 23
the pursuit of happyness
saw, saw II, saw III
spiderman, spiderman II, spiderman III
transformers

i know there are a lot of movies above that i have already watched. but so what?! it doesn't kill to watch them again & again! i'm also done with America's Next Top Model Cycle 8 since don't-know-how-many-freaking-months ago & now, i'm catching up well with the Cycle 9 of America's Next Top Model! (: i can't wait to watch more, i am so amazing.

FINALLY

2007-10-07T15:42:00.000-07:00

I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW!
because i didn't blog for ages, hell-fucking right?

i'm really sorry, it's all because for the N Level preparation & 1 more paper to go, & i can finally be free! the last paper is Design & Technology, on next Tuesday, so hopefully, i'll try to score as much as possible. (: i asked Dad about me having a job last night, & he just said -

"NOOOOOOOOO!"

i'm like, "okay, okay, no need so fierce right?" :/ it's not like i'm going to get into some trouble outside & stuffs like that eh. people whom i am close with probably knows that my parents can get all protective, all the time. i'm not very okay with it, because i want to be able to make my own stand & decisions, without having to disagree with it. but Dad & Mom, all i ever wanted, is for you two to be happy with me. i don't know, i just feel that i can never ever be good enough for you.

preparations for N Level was tiring, very very tiring, indeed. i was out almost every night for a week or so, doing revision with Yinru, April, Fadly, Baya, Maria & Ain. (: being home at 10.30 plus means scolding & nagging from parents. i know they care, but a lot have been happening & i didn't want to be rude. i just want some time of my own (with my friends). i mean, i'm going to be a parent someday & i definitely don't want my kids to hang out so late. but come on, dad, don't judge! just because you don't know them, you can't assume that they are bad people!

they are not, so not! in fact, all these while, they have been there at the lowest point of my life for you own daughter - me! so yes, dinner was so uneventful today. i could have burst into tears anytime. but thanks God, i saw Stephrene & Yinru, & waved to me & i practically screamed (for joy) when i saw them.

DURING LANTERN FESTIVAL!

i miss Justin, i really do. now that my N Level is going to be over soon, one more paper to go, i'm hoping that Justin would make more visits! oh, hopefully, things would go well & shits won't happen, at home. meanwhile, i have fun & joy with many amazing i came to know all along. (:

i have fun, i definitely do. (: besides that, i basically, wanna thank a lot of people for being there for me at the lowest point of my life this year round. like, shitty things happened to me during the month of my birthday this year. i break down & couldn't seems to get myself up on my feet again. but once again, thank you. i won't name you people here, but i think you people know who you are. (: Dad & Mom have been great support. okay, maybe not that great, but firm? :/ well, at least it's you two who taught me how to be a really good person. Yaya's hugs was heartwarming, i'd definitely love to have her to hug me when i was about in the neighbourhood again.

holidays' drawing near for me, i came to realise that are so many people who loves me. fuck self-centered bitches who won't put themselves in other people's shoes. burn in hell then! i can't wait for the last paper to be over. then, i'll have my bangs back (because now, it reaches my nose) & yeah, i gonna make the school-less days amazing.

STEAMBOAT FEAST

2007-09-22T12:32:00.000-07:00

school was so emo yesterday, everybody's mood seems to be different. & so are mine. i got into some quarrels with my dad, again. it's not the first time this week, & it's not going to be the last. okay, so i meet the same usual people at the void deck, & on my way to school already, i've cried my eyes out. boo. graduation service was simply demoralising, it just reminds me that i didn't do well.

no way am i giving in to people around me who's pulling me down. i mean, it's also my fault that i didn't do well. hence, i'm pulling up my socks already. well, A.J was the representative for her class, & she made a speech on the stage. she cried, i could have guessed, & i cried. after service, went to take a class photo with the former 2D'05! ohmy, everything is pretty much the same with them! so anyway, rushed home, cook, looked after Mummy, & napped a little before i bargained to go to the steamboat feast with the girls. basically, i was tired out because i'm looking after Mummy at home all afternoon before i left the house.

i say, steamboat was great! playing in the arcade made me tired, even though i didn't really played much. :/ my heels almost killed me. trained home with the girls, home sweet home. (:

DAMN ALL THESE

2007-09-19T21:15:00.000-07:00

i just had the most heated argument over the phone. nevermind that, but the person i'm having an argument with is my Dad. yes, it's Daddy dearest. sigh. i think i'm crying like nobody's business. we were so happy having dinner earlier. & all it takes, is just for my sister to give them a call & say all those shits. i already predicted my dad's response. obviously, fingers were pointed at me.

she called, & she said all those shits about me. imagine if i were the one calling, & say all those shits about her. my dad think it in a way that's like, she's the one talking & accusing, hence, i'm the cause. damn all these shit. i went back to my room, shut the door, i screamed & cried at the same time. i was tired, tired of all these shit going on.

FUCKED UP GIRL, IN A FUCKED UP WORLD

2007-09-08T19:10:00.000-07:00

yesterday was great. i woke up like 8 or 9 in the morning, have breakfast with my mom at the coffeeshop. then, i headed home alone because Mom's going to the market. so anyway, met up with Stephrene & April, bus-ed & headed all the way to Sim Lim Square.

well, i got into an argument with this uncle in bus. :/ it's so damn unglam, but i got to make my stand. that uncle is totally ridiculous. if there's seats in the bus, you think i don't wanna sit uh? you think i wanna stand behind your seat & bump into you, is it? so freaking asshole, still say my bag keep making your hair. come on lah, i purposely adjust my bag, & it's hanging at my ass there, & you still can say that it make until your hair? come on, get a better excuse. i can't help it when the bus itself is wobbly right? i can't even help it when my shoes decide to die on my when i go April's house! & hence, i borrowed a pair of shoes from her, which is obviously heels because that is the smallest size she can find for me. (:

& that freaking uncle still said that he'd slap me, provided if he's my father! come on, i know my dad won't blame me if i keep bumping to him on a bus because common sense says that it's gonna be wobbly anytime! fuck, get off the bus & the girls were helping me to "fight" back. thanks April & Stephrene! you two are my angels! so anyway, yeah, i did manage to change a brand new MP4, for free! both April & Stephrene got the credits! thanks girls, really.

you people also have no idea what crazy fun we're having in the toilet. :/

we went to Burger King to grab some bites. then, we're off. we actually think that the taxi stand is a bus stop itself, & we ran after it. :/ like some crazy asses. April took my hand & ran because i'm wearing heels. a lot of people looked at us, we're crazy. the bus ride were bumpy. i can't help feeling a little sick in the stomach. who cares, rights? what mattered is that i love the girls, & they made my day. (:

WHAT I'VE LEARNED IS THAT LIFE IS TOO SHORT & MOVIES ARE TOO LONG

2007-09-06T16:38:00.000-07:00

okay, maybe it's out of boredom, whatever, i searched the net for up-coming new movies! i can't believe what i have found can? :/ err, alright, i guess i'm just bored!

I CAN'T BELIEVE THERE'S A SAW IV!

it's going to be fun! yes, it is! i mean, i watched the first 2 series already! i can't wait to rent all of it all over again & watch it! & guess what? i finally found the 1990's movie -

TIM BURTON'S EDWARD SCISSORHANDS!

ohmygod, i seriously cannot wait, i fucking swear! i'm so going to get it on Monday! okay, seriously, i'm so gonna rot at home today! i can't go out! but i'm going out tomorrow to Sim Lim Square with the company of A.J, to bring back justice for my MP4. okay, i'm watching movies online now, on Youtube.

Aquamarine is nice! it's starring Emma Roberts, Jojo & Sara Paxton! i have no idea how many times i watched it! so go take a look, y'all. right this moment, i'm watching Just My Luck. it's funny & hilarious! (:

this is good, i might as well spend the rest of the day watching movies online!

SABOTAGE QUEEN

2007-09-05T23:41:00.000-07:00

okay, i have such a bad night. during evening, i gave April a call just to tell her i miss her. then, afetr that, i'm off to dinner with Mom, Dad & Sis. you know, my phone speakers is spoiled. hence, i can receive calls but is unable to talk on the phone because people on the other line can hear me, but i can't hear them.

SO DON'T CALL ME ON MY PHONE!

just leave me a message & i'll get back to you! so yes, after dinner, i went down to the usual concrete steps area to look for the bunch of people. Yinru, Baya, Yaya was there. after that, i leave the guys for a little while & went to the handphone shop because Dad actually mentioned about trading in my phone. i was seriously very disappointed. i don't want anything too fanciful, i don't want anything too expensive. i have to think about Dad, you know? 'cos after all, i'm not the one paying for it. you know all my MP3s, my MP4, my digital camera is all paid by him! my computer, my 3-in-one function printer-scanner-photocopier is all paid by him!

anything i have, is all his money, he earned them! so there's no excuse for me not to think about him. if in any situation i did not have to think for Dad & put myself in his shoes, then may lightning struck me. i mean it. so back to the handphone thing. it's just that, my sister was there encouraging them not to get a new phone for me. for goodness sake, i can receive calls but there's no point answering the calls because i can't hear what people are saying over at the other line!

hence, it's either i get the phone fixed, or get a new one! but i see how my parents changed their mind, it makes me feel totally defeated. i see the smug expression on my sister's face, & i know how my efforts' going to down the drain if i am going to tell Dad not to listen to her. but it's going to be all over because she always have this particular thinking -

"i'm the youngest, i can do anything i want & will go unpunished."

that's it! so you have any idea how defeated i feel? not because of the phone itself, but because a lot of sabotages have been going on around the family itself. my sister sabotage this to my parents about me. my sister sabotage that to my parents about me. all these aren't lame, all these are crazy! all i want to ever tell my parents is to believe in me. shut. people tell you these, & you seriously believe them rather than to believe me? by doing this, is no difference from giving me a death sentence.

i felt like calling Yinru & April, but their number were all in my handphone. & my pathetic handphone was with Dad! i can't call them to cry or what already!

i think i'm going to bed soon. sigh. bye, y'all.

DEAD SILENCE - YOU SCREAM, YOU DIE

2007-09-05T17:39:00.000-07:00

in the sleepy town of Raven's Fair, there is a ghost story about Mary Shaw, a ventriloquist whose ambition was to make the perfect doll. accused of murdering a young boy named Micheal Ashen, Shaw was hunted down & killed by the vengeful townspeople, who cut her tongue out. They buried her along with her "children", a hand-made collection of 101 ventriloquist puppets, including Billy, Ursula, Gregory & a clown puppet named Cornelius.

since the lynching, Raven's Fair have been plagued by death. the ghastly dolls from Mary Shaw's collection have gone missing from her grave, & over the decade, families are found gruesomely murdered with their tongues torn out & their jaws ripped open, & their bodies posed in family portrait positions. in the wake of these morbid events, dummies have become bad omens in the town, as they usually indicate that Mary Shaw is nearby, ready to tear out her next tongue.

the film opens with scenes of Mary Shaw writing in her notebook and assembling Billy. meanwhile, far from the pall of their hometown, newlyweds Jamie and Lisa Ashen , believe they have established a fresh start, when a ventriloquist dummy, who later turns out to be Billy, is mysteriously delivered to their doorstep. subsequently, Jamie returns home from an night out, only to find Lisa viciously murdered, with her jaw torn open and her tongue ripped out. Jamie reluctantly returns to Raven's Fair for the funeral, intent on unraveling the mystery of her death while trying to clear his name in his wife's murder.

after a fruitless meeting with his wheelchair-bound father and his father’s young bride Ella, Jamie remains determined to delve into the town’s bloody past in an attempt to learn the identity and motives of his wife's killer. as he learns of the legend of Mary Shaw, the ventriloquist who lived and performed at the Guignol Theater decades ago, Jamie uncovers the origins of the Mary Shaw curse.

beware the stare of Mary Shaw
she had no children, only dolls
and if you see her in your dreams
be sure you never, ever scream
with the skeptical Detective Jim Lipton not far behind, Jamie investigates the now-dilapidated Guignol Theater, the very place where Michael Ashen embarrassed her by announcing that he could see her lips moving during one of her performances. as Jamie and Lipton search her attic living quarters, they find Michael's corpse, strung up like a marionette, along with the 100 missing dolls, which gradually come to life and look over at a rocking chair next to their display cases. as Shaw begins communicating through the clown puppet Cornelius, which is sitting in the rocking chair, Jamie is horrified to learn that his wife was killed because she had an Ashen "growing inside of her."

with that revelation, Cornelius begins laughing wickedly, and each of the dolls' faces distort as Mary attempts to use each of them against Jamie and Lipton, who realize that all 101 dolls must be destroyed to prevent Mary from acting through them. the two men ignite the large storage casing holding the puppets, effectively destroying 100 of them, while the last puppet, Billy, remains in someone else's possession. as the two men escape the blazing theater, with Mary Shaw in hot pursuit, the catwalk along which they are running collapses. as he involuntarily screams, Lipton is killed in mid-fall by Shaw, while Jamie is sent plunging into the water below the theater.

Jamie realizes that Billy is the only remaining doll, and that the only way to rid the town of Mary Shaw is to destroy him. He goes to Henry Walken, the mortician with whom he had left Billy, only to discover that Shaw had killed him and that Billy was taken much earlier. after Walken's distraught wife says that Jaime's father took the doll (which seems impossible since he is an invalid), Jamie returns to his father's house to destroy Billy. as he arrives, Mary Shaw reappears, but is forced to retreat when Jamie throws Billy, "the last puppet", into the fireplace. as she is forced back into the shadows, Jamie finds his wheelchair-bound father sitting, staring blankly into space. as he approaches him, Jamie is horrified to find that his father is dead, his entire back torn out and replaced with a wooden shaft used in ventriloquist dummies.

as Jamie realizes that his young stepmother was always at his father's side, she suddenly appears next to him; Ella is in fact the perfect doll that Mary Shaw strove to make, and had been using the elder Ashen's corpse as a puppet to lure Jamie. Ella then says "Now, who's the dummy?" and lightning flashes in the sky, briefly showing the ghostly Mary Shaw behind her disguise, who tears out Jamie's tongue and jaw as he screams "no!" the closing shot shows Mary Shaw's puppet book with pictures of Jamie, Detective Lipton, and his family as dolls. as the camera zooms away from the book, Jamie recites the poem in voiceover and when he is done, Mary Shaw closes the book and the credits begin to roll.

yeah, so i watched Dead Silence with Tammy today, at AMK Hub! (: wow, it's just so amazing! i brought old chang kee, & didn't ate half of it because i was busy with the movie itself. actually, i'm scared that i'll choke if i'm frightened by the scenes or i'll even bite my tongue! :/ so yeah, today's papers' English. & it's the last paper of the week!

SHOWERS OF LOVE

2007-09-01T23:56:00.000-07:00

while almost everyone will be on holiday next week, i'll be in school taking my N Level Chinese & Social Studies papers. i decided to work more on Social Studies, not that i didn't want to work on Chinese but i know that all i can do for Chinese is to score for the letter writing & composition! (:

so anyway, after school yesterday, headed to meet Baya & Yinru with Amanda. get some bubble tea & sigh, i trip again, & i almost crashed into the cupboard infront of Junjie when he was playing some video games. i laughed my ass off. after that, slacked & went home to get DVDs. then meet Yinru again to have some lunch, i have laksa! then, we were off to Maria's house to watch movies. i saw Yinru sleeping & i began sleeping as well, waking up in between because the volume was loud. & i was fully awaken when i fell onto the floor next to Fadly & April. what's worse is that i couldn't get myself up. - laughs out loud.

i'm chatting with April on MSN now! (: but i got to go soon already!

i just want to thank possibly anyone around me to let me know that they love me. (: you have no idea how much it mean to me & make me go on & on with things in which i thought i never would.

SEEMS LIKE ALL YOU WANT IS TO CRITICIZE

2007-08-30T21:12:00.000-07:00

i keep hesitating, about blogging. but definitely, there's more. i'm here to make my blog come back to life. :/ i guess some people around me makes it really hard for me to be myself. during this period of time when i'm away from blogging, a lot happened. both good & bad, but i came to know who mattered to me the most, & who elses doesn't deserve what i'm giving them.

"YONGXIN, YOU CAN DO SOOO MUCH BETTER!"

people around me showered me with this phrase. you know, it's like i'm thinking that i really can deserve so much better. i'm not sure if it's helping, but i guess it works? :/ well, there seems to be more misunderstandings surfacing between my parents & i. i'm just afraid.

i'm afraid that we weren't as happy as we used to be.
i'm afraid that i won't open up as much as i wanted to.
i'm afraid that i'll keep doing whatever i can to stay away from home.
i'm afraid that one day i'll run out of excuses for all the things that i have done.
i'm just so afraid, so afraid of many many different things.

i guess sometimes, life's like that. sucky, how sucky could it get? i don't know either, you know. i don't want to be too goody-two-shoes, & i don't want to be a bitch which everyone hates. i'm myself, y'all. so anyway, i did mention that during this period of time when i weren't blogging, there's good & bad times right? well, i just wanna thanks a lot of people whom i have been running to whenever some damn misunderstanding popped up between my parents & me.

so here are some of what i have been throught, but i'm not really writing everything down, they come with pictures as well. i'm making it up to people who have been asking me to blog!

STEPHRENE'S BIRTHDAY BBQ, SATURDAY 25TH AUGUST.
i went to Stephrene's house so early in the afternoon with Yeerou. actually, we need not have to be there that early but nevertheless, we still have fun. (: Caiying came over later, & we have even more fun. Stephrene & i were having instant noodles & at the same time, Yeerou is entertaining us with her really good ghost stories, all thanks to her really good imagination! it's simply unbelievable!

so we left for the BBQ about 4, & we took a really long time to get there because we need to go there to collect these & go there to collect that. so by the time we reached there, it's almost evening & it's drizzling a lil. but who cares? the fire got started & in no time, we were BBQ-ing already.

it's not very long after, that almost all of us went to the beach that's somewhere not far behind from the BBQ pit. like A.J, i thought there would also be a lot of those ice-cream people who are not-so-good. but yeah, not all of them, & i am so glad! (: but heyyy, 2 girls did stare, you know.

like, we were standing at the side, & they stare. i was tidying my bag, & they stare. i was making a call back to my mom & telling her that i won't be home so early, & they stare. so they seriously thought that they look really hot for a BBQ, wearing button-up cardigan & leaving the last few buttons unbuttoned? A.J is so damn right, it's not as if the pit itself is a nightclub, so go elsewhere if you wanna get hooked up or something. your dressing is so unappealling for a birthday celebration like this. yeah, everyone can see your belly, so get that right. i'm tired of seeing you at our estate so many time. i yawned at the fact that i even see you here. i think the instant noodles i ate at Stephrene's house can come right up my throat!

after, a group of us cabbed home. Maria, Zesuan, Yeerou & i are on the same cab. home sweet home, & special thanks to Maria, she sent me to my block somemore. (: i miss my girls already. nothing beats having to just stay at the beach, having the breeze to blow in your face, & talking about almost everything while having some beer to be passed around for everyone to drink. i love it, it's life.

DINNING ETTIQUE, THURSDAY 30TH AUGUST
first of all, i would like to say a very happy birthday to Annaliza! you're a sweet sixteen now, girl!

generally, i wasn't very much looking forward to this event. because people judge, you know. but believe it or not, there will be people who went like -

"eeyeer, she dress until like that!" that's bound to happen, isn't it?

but however, i don't know why but when almost the end of school reach, i just couldn't wait to go for the course itself! i just couldn't be more glad that i can attend a course like this. like what A.J says, we get to dine in style! so anyway, basically, there's really nothing inside my bag except for clothes, heels, make-ups, face towel, perfumes, my hot clutch & yeah, stuffs like this.

i love my louis vuitton paper bag! (:

so anyway, a lot of people can't wait for the Physics to end! & we were rushing into the toilet to get dressed & all make-up-ed. (: i didn't really like the thought of having so many girls in a toilet swaeting & dressing & putting on make-ups! well, it's was chaos, & totally rocked the mood. then, we're off & before i knew everything, we were already on the bus, getting set to be at the hotel.

Ann, have been there for me for quite sometime. thanks, girl.

we reached the hotel, & it wasn't as i thought it would be luh. but i swear it's nice! the lightnings are all so orange-y & yes, it's so lovely. the briefing was long, very very long. i think i could even die of hunger can? ): but when the bread came, i finished it up, all! we have a break, & people were all busy taking photos!

Maria is a real darling, she never fails to crack me up.

i think i definitely have fun. (:

after that, bus-ed to our neighbourhood estate with April, Maria, Zesuan, Stephrene & Dewi. the first half of the bus trip was so random, & i was busy drying Stephrene's tears because she's having a bad day. almost towards the end of the bus trip, we were super high already! we even made a new friend! oh, so we slacked around the concrete steps there. (: after that, when i was about to accompany April to buy some drinks -

I SLIPPED & FALL, BIG BIG TIME! )':

the next moment, my both my feet was in the air, then i slipped & fall, my face coming down hard on the concrete step. & then, with a loud thud, i fall right onto the ground face-down. i think i almost died, but the next moment, all that i ever heard was -

"YONGXIN! YONGXIN! YONGXIN! YONGXIN!"

still, i really really want to cry from the pain that was caused during the fall. it sucks big time, & instantly, i sit up, took up my heels & throw it at a distance & it almost hit a Malay kid. but she was nice, you know. she picked it up & handed it to me & i laughed at myself. i think i scared her off when i carry her. :/ now, my left cheekbone hurted. my left arm hurted as well. but i tell you what, i laughed after the fall, i think i'm crazy.

i headed home first, because my parents would probably nag if i stay on a little on longer. i walked really slow during the walk home. 'cos i'm scared that if i fall this time, nobody would help me up. (:

STRESSING OUT

2007-08-06T21:59:00.000-07:00

i will blog, trust me. all i need is inspirations. alright, i'm just stressed out. i'm out of here.

I'M TIRED OUT

2007-07-21T20:41:00.000-07:00

Justin baby & Aunt Irin came over to my house at Friday's night. (: they stayovered & i really like it. well, we have fun till late in the night, & Justin didn't dared to enter my room because i have this Nightmare Before Christmas toy which he's really scared of. so anyway, it's getting really late, & i slept beside Justin for a few hours while Mom & Aunt Irin were chatting & smoking in the kitchen till 3!

& today, we woke up at 11 in the morning, & we washed up & got dressed. we headed towards the coffeeshop for breakfast, & then, we cabbed to Jurong to Granny's house. Uncle James, Aunt Sarah & the kids came all the way from Malaysia for a visit. it's just nice to have everyone back. Justin dances for us.

i'm tired of everything. but i wanna keep going on. it's all about believing in myself. shuts.

ALMOST LOSING YOURSELF

2007-07-20T21:19:00.000-07:00

i didn't really have the urge to blog, you know. but after this crazy week, i just thought maybe i should. :/ i'm just weren't too sure of it myself. actually, i have already stop receiving counselling from Mrs Tan, because she felt that i could manage some stuffs, & they weren't really that convenient for me to say it here, but yeah, they were actually kind of personal to me. i only relate most of my problems to people whom i really trust.

so anyway, i kind of have to go back to conselling, in which i have yet to tell Ms Lim. i don't know, it's just that people around me tend to think that it's going to be okay, but they don't seems to know how hard it is for me to cope. so you people think that i love getting myself in this mess uh? it's just freaking irritating to like sometime look at somewhere, & realise that people are whispering into one another's ears, before you could even think about it, you could actually come to know that their eyes seems to be piercing you. trust me, you'd definitely think -

"what the fuck, are they talking about me uh?"

in case you're wondering about the sentence above, that's what i always think. simply because, i'm very sensitive. & i believe i'm not the only one thinking this way, because i'm sure that there a lot more people who are as sensitive as me, around me. & i got really really fed-up, because i know i did something i shouldn't. but that doesn't mean that you can tell that bitch what i did, isn't it? after all, you promised me! furthermore, before you went away, i said -

"hey, please don't go around & tell anyone or everyone eh?" in a desperately, nicely, politely manner.

but you know what? i could have just slap myself right on the spot in which i was standing after you walked away from me 3 minutes ago. right where i was standing, i heard you telling that bitch all the stuffs i told you not to. if that's not worst enough, you decided to tell her among so many people? fuck.

HARRY POTTER & THE ORDER OF PHOENIX

2007-07-18T21:31:00.000-07:00

Harry Potter & The Order of Phoenix is really really nice! owells, that's what i thought because there must be people out there who's not a very big fan of Harry Potter. (: so anyway, i went home after school to change, & went to meet April, Fadly, Yinru, Yeerou, Amanda, Stephrene, Zesuan & Maria. brought the tickets, but Zesuan & Maria didn't watched in the end. )':

but still, i think i have fun despite the bad day i had in school. i got a taste of sweetness in the cinema! it's like, awww! :/ & i send kisses to the screen! laughs. i went home straight after the movie. oh, how i love long bus rides. i just get to think so much, all by myself.

EXPECTING THE UNEXPECTED

2007-07-17T21:47:00.000-07:00

i'm not particularly having a bad day in school, but i was really tired inside. i mean, i don't look like i'm tired at all, but basically, i do hide a lot from people around me. i try not to open too much to people around me, in case i ever got hurt again, you know. i have this really selfish thought, i admitted. rather than having some stupid people to hurt me badly, i might as well hurt others in the first place eh? i don't know, but it does sounds like a good idea, isn't it? i mean, who likes to got hurt by others, or hear really nasty stuffs? thing's getting really tough, or rather, harder than i thought it would be.

AN OUNCE OF BLOOD IS WORTH MORE THAN A POUND OF FRIENDSHIP

2007-07-15T20:18:00.000-07:00

13.07.2007
school was really really short. (: i was lucky that i didn't got my arm stuck in the house gate today when i throw the keys back into the house! wow, it's like so lucky me! anyway, it's Friday, the 13th. superstitious? well, i'm not too sure of it myself. oh, there was a Chinese test, i rushed the paper until like fuck. but i did managed to complete everything. & Ms Choi even smiled at me when i wiped off the sweat on my forehead 2 minutes before the paper ended! hence, i just laughed at myself. :/ so anyway, went home after school & prepared my stuffs. i keep wondering whether or not to stay overnight. but Mummy's not, so it's not very nice for me to stay over, isn't it? i probably stank of beer, when i kissed Justin for million times. sweet.

so, we went to visit them for a little while at the chalet. ohmygod, Uncle Alan booked the wrong chalet can? the chalet was supposed to be at Costa Sands Downtown East, but he booked wrongly & it's the Costa Sands Pasir Ris! but nevermind, 'cos it weren't too bad there. it's just the god-damn hot weather that's killing me. Dad was ill & he fall asleep in the chalet. i really had nothing to do, & basically, i just going up to the second storey of the chalet to look for Justin, or just laze around on the ground floor drinking some beer. oh, & Uncle Kengi came for a little while. & we left when it's about 1 plus, & i drank about 3 cans of Heineken already. Dad drove us home & i sleep like a baby throughout the night. nice.

14.07.2007
woke up at 11 in the morning & got prepared, dressed, waited till about 1 in the afternoon to go down to the bus stop to get a taxi. okay, the taxi fare costs us a bomb, because Mummy left something really important at home, & she have to ask the driver to drive us all the way back to where he picked us up, & waited for Mummy. the fare was almost close to $20. so anyway, we reached there first, & other guests have yet to. we went to slack around, drinking beer again, & it was about late afternoon when Uncle Alan went swimming with Justin & Sis. it was some fun watching & laughing at them.

i also helped Uncle Alan's mom out with some barbeque-ing! it was great. oh, i mean, she was really really great. (: she told me a lot on how she made those food, & i feel they tasted absolutely amazing. i helped her with the chicken wings. there's a whole box of them, & 2 more in the fridge! & i use the thing & poke them throught straight up & nice. we barbequed them to golden brown, & wow, it's nice!

guests came pouring in during the evening time. oh, & i just go ga-ga over Aunt Irin's girlfriends can? :/ they were all young & married, but totally gorgeous! like, it just simply wow-ed me away. & my eyes almost popped out from seeing all that they have on them! i see them carrying the latest mobile phones, LV bags, GUESS heels as well! wow, i even tried one of the GUESS shoes! they were totally hot! (: thanks, to the lady who owns this GUESS shoes! (: oh, Aunt Irin's girlfriends asked me about coloured contact lenses & it seems like they were totally freaked out when they see me demostrates how to took them off & wears them. then, it was cake cutting. Justin's having an ice-cream cake this year!

HAPPY 4TH BIRTHDAY, BABY JUSTIN!

it's before 11 when most of the guests have left. i watched some ghostly movie with the girlfriends of Aunt Irin. they were such nice people. (: oh, then all the guests left. so it's just us, family. then we spent the night outside the chalet, making fun of everyone, drinking beer, & laughing so loud despite the fact that it's already 4 in the morning! poor Uncle Alan became the topic of all our conversation as we sat there making fun of me. Mummy could help but laughed at me when i laughed till i was on the floor. weird me. it's almost 5 when we all went to bed. & i just have the greatest time of my life with my family. i had about 6 cans of beer before i went to bed. & hopefully, i don't get a beer belly! laughs, kidding.

Uncle Alex complimented me on my drinking, but i said that all that matters is that you know how to drink. but the fact should remains that you should know how much to drink, & not drink too much. while i was with them the whole time, i noticed that they were naturally positive & happy people.

YONGXIN: Uncle Kengi, are you always so happy?
Uncle Kengi: yeah, i am always.

i just know that there's a hell lot of things weighing in my mind. but with the right people, & the people i loved most, i totally can place them aside. just like what i did for the past few days.

I KEEP THINKING ABOUT THE LITTLE THINGS THAT MAKE LIFE GREAT

2007-07-11T23:07:00.000-07:00

school started at 8.05 in the morning today. so anyway, i woke up just on time, but i left the house late simply because something really stupid happened. my arm got stuck at the gate. the most damn thing happened to me so early in the freaking morning, anything else could have happened. so anyway, school was kind of short. so anyway, Chapel was first! oh, & i like the Christian songs played during services! does anyone have some to send me? (: i would so appreciate it, you know? (: Maths, was a lil bit horrible, i feel really sleepy & furthermore, Mrs Lai weren't there because i think she's giving birth, sooner or later. we were taught by this teacher, who wants me out of the school 2 years back. fuck. during English, Mr White weren't there, & i feel so sick that i just had to throw up. slacked around a table with Mad, DVD & Anna. opened up, & came to know a lot of things that were just as surprising to me, if it is to others. (: after school, meet up with April & Stephrene, & they accompanied me to Toa Payoh Central to browse throught Kiddy Palace for Justin's present. i found it, but i'll only be getting it tomorrow. so anyway, after that, we went to Pasta Mania for lunch. i don't know how freaking long we spend there, but i know that there's so many joy & laughters. we had pastas, & i'm loving it. i don't mind going there again. oh, we also ordered dessert, this banana thing. we love it so much, that we ordered a second plate! (:

after that, went home, i almost sprained my leg, you know? & because of that, April was scared. laughs. so anyway, took 88 home. weren't a long trip as i thought it would be 'cos we fool around in the bus as well. i'm tired because April & i walked all the way home from Ang Mo Kio Central. i almost died when i reached home, i think. alright, no, i'm exaggerating.

PLEASE DON'T GO AWAY

2007-07-10T22:46:00.000-07:00

i had a bad day, & i feel so sucky right now. imagine you're a mother, you found a forbidden item in your child's bag. how would you react? let's just say. probably a cigarette, some weird pills, or even a condom? :/ come on, i can't think of any stuffs that you'd fear that your mom might found in your bag.

however, i came home, & everything was fine. i got dressed up, & went to fetch my sister from school. i came home, & Mummy suddenly asked me in a serious tone, why did i have the stuff in my bag? i was really really speechless, i know what she was talking about. i don't know how to explain myself. i feel really regretful, but i know that whatever i said, will not erase off her doubts about what i have in my bag. she sound really angry because i can't even touch her, let alone getting near her.

i'm really scared. i'm really sorry & apologetic, that i drop to my knees. crying, i say whatever to convince her that things weren't what it seems like. i feel confused. & then, someone make me realise that i look like a emotional mess. after when everything was okay, i took a great look at myself in the mirror. i saw messy girly ponytails, smudged eyeliners & mascaras from all the crying. what a mess i look, inside & outside. i tidied myself up before i told Mummy my apologies, & seriously thanked her for keeping this from Daddy. she knows, that if Daddy were to know, i'd be chased out of the house. then, i proceed to hug her, really tight. i have manage to convince her! yes!

who knows, it might be even more serious, right? if Mummy were to give up on me, probably everyone around me would. if someone i loved so much like her were to leave me, probably everyone around me would do the same. Avril Lavigne's Innocence keeps playing in my mind. i can't get it out of my head, i wished i was like before. you know, innocent, not a know-it-all. there's a lot of things that i know, that i shouldn't ought to know in the first place. there's people, i wished i have got to know sooner. & there's also people, i wished i didn't even get to know. all have yet to fall into place, yeah.

I'LL BE JUST FINE, PRETENDING I'M NOT

2007-07-09T20:19:00.000-07:00

today was horrible, i guess. so yeah, during Mtgas, Mrs Lai didn't came, & we have a freaking 2 free periods in the Seminar Room. yes, i feel so terrible that i went to the toilet without even listening to the teacher's command to place my bag down, & i went to the toilet to call up Mummy, & cry. after about 5 minutes of good crying, i assured Mummy that i'll call her up again during recess. i did, & i even said lastly -

"mummy, i love you."

& after that, i quickly hang up & screwed up my eyes, but i still end up crying. without Mummy, i'm sure i have been such a teenage mess. i don't know, but all along, it's just right that i should be grateful to Mummy for whatever she did for me. i do not even dare to think how i'll be like to be without you.

A LAZY AFTERNOON, AT APRIL'S HOUSE

2007-07-06T20:17:00.000-07:00

i went to April's house yesterday afternoon to study. place my bag in her house first, & waiting for her to get dressed, & we went off to have lunch first. we had Hainanese chicken rice, & desserts. after that, on our way home, we saw Spongebob sales. yes, we went almost crazy.

& the damn uncle selling us all these are damn fucked-up can? stop telling us we can't get this everywhere, i weren't really convinced, but don't tell me i'll get beaten up if i say there's going to be somewhere elses that sells all these. & to think that we brought so much stuffs from you, & you give us all your fucking attitude. oh, & one guy showed us the "i love you" hand sign, & we're totally grossed out.

we went to buy April's handphone cover, & bubble tea. (: studied some Social Studies, & April studied some Maths, & we're done. (: we took some crappy photos, with my camera.

kill me please, i look like some asshole with really horrible facial expressions here. )': but it's really fun being with April, you know. we just laugh everything off. it's like, nothing else in this world.

i went off & April went to sell ice-creams with some other girls. it seems like a long way home. anyway, i'm like really fed-up. the day of my English Oral, seems to be the day of Justin's 4th birthday chalet.

LOSING THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO YOU

2007-07-05T21:23:00.000-07:00

school was alright today, Thursday was so freaking long can? )': so anyway, lessons was a drag, like it take almost forever to reach end of the day! so anyway, went to the toilet & then to the D&T block. after that, i went out to the bubble tea shop near April's house to buy some bubble tea. we did some work, but after that was told by some teachers that there's some exams going on & our nailing is too noisy.

off we went to April's house, & i just can't believe it, that i left my fucking stuffs in school. i was so paranoid, that i was just about to cry anytime. i quickly put my bag in April's house, & went back to school, ensuring her that i'm really really going to be okay. but after i couldn't find what i really want to find, i really just sit down at the canteen & think for a moment.

"why am i doing all these? i'm really really tired. i just, can't take it anymore."

Mrs Tan came & saw me, & all i can do is to hugged her really tightly & cry my heart out. she just hold me, & let me cry on her or something like that. she said she read the letter that i wrote to my child, i'm just shocked when she said -

"if you don't try, no one else would. i read your letter, you've got potential."

i wasn't very convinced with myself though, but that's not going to stop me from trying.

TRANSFORM ME, TRANSFORMERS

2007-07-04T21:16:00.000-07:00

yeah, watched Transformer with April, Yinru & Fadly. this movie could be one of the best i have watched this year. i'm liking it & hope i can get to watch it another time! love you, sweeties!

FIX THE PROBLEM, NOT THE BLAME

2007-07-02T18:02:00.000-07:00

i don't know what's wrong with me, i keep thinking about my poor results & school. i need to buck up a lot of stuffs, you know? like, if i keep going at this pace, i won't be able to get into Secondary 5 & will have to go to ITE. i mean, ITE is actually a good idea because i know quite a lot of people actually find the courses they wanted in ITE. however, what worries me the most is that i've been failing like fuck. i need to improve my English & Chinese further so that the rest of the subjects i'm weak in won't be dragged down as well.

i need to start getting interested in subjects like Social Studies & Physics. i used to be really good in Geography, but not any longer & i don't know why. i need to buck up on Biology because Mr Chandra's the one who keep telling me that i did improve. i just got really demoralised about everything. i'm not trying to say i lack motivation, but sometime, i really felt that way. thanks to some people, who have always been supporting me & pushing me on. thanks Mummy, Daddy & many loved ones.

from this moment onwards, every voice that told you "you can't" is silenced. every reasons that tell you things will never change, disappears. & the person you were before this moment, that person's turn is over. now it's your turn.
abstracted & quoted from the film, Freedom Writers.

i don't wanna be disappointed in myself anymore. i feel like, i'm going to do just that. so anyway, i got dressed to meet April earlier, then went out of the house. i was making my way to her house to spend a lazy afternoon there to get away from home, when she called & said she's out. then, make one big turn to get home, & i ran, hide, cry because i saw somebody that really freaks me out. i ran up a flight of stairs before running to this dark corner, covering my mouth with my hands. yeah, screwed the makeup because i was crying like fuck. )': i will be having dinner at Thomson Plaza with Mummy & Daddy later on!

LIFE DOESN'T COME WITH ERASERS

2007-06-29T20:54:00.000-07:00

today was friday, like finally, you know. lessons wasn't a drag, & before i knew it, it was already recess. fancy having the school to place our P.E lessons after recess, how smart. & to top it off with that, we just had our recess & the teachers are taking our height & weight? damn it. so anyway, we went to the rifle range during assembly. & i was just speechless about what we're going to do there. Mr Lai made this square with some tape, like what the characters did in Freedom Writers. they asked us questions, & if it's positive, we step in.

after assembly at the range, wait outside the hall for April, Zesuan & Yinru. we went to have lunch at the coffeeshop near April's house. Yinru went home, & i went to April's house. we laid the blanket on the floor, put pillows & more blankets, & have both the air-con & fan switched on. we laid there, talked, laughed, giggled about anything we said. this is, truly relaxing. after that, Zesuan came with Maria. not long after, April & i dozed off on the floor. i went home after a while when we fall asleep on the bed for the second time because it's getting late. so April, i hope you don't mind! =/

i went to meet my parents at the mailbox down at the block, & we headed to Ang Mo Kio Hub's food court to have dinner. after that, walked around, have ice-cream & headed home. i read Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul, & there's a story in which i thought would be great if i share it with everyone.

Betty Ann
(if you judge people, you have no time to love them.)
mistakes.

we all make them. sometimes, if we're lucky, an eraser would do the trick, and we can rub it across the page, wipe away the dust, & all that's left of our careless mess is a hardly noticeable smudge.

but some mistakes can't be erased. no matter how old or young we are.

i was in the ninth grade the first time i really thought about all this. that year, i learned to diagram sentences on the blackboard, got my learner's permit, wore my first strapless bra, wrote poetry i never read to my parents - but by far, the toughest lesson i learned was that life doesn't come with erasers. i couldn't make something that had happened, not happen. even imagination was powerless. there are no erasers. i was 14, & i wished then, & i wish now, that i could erase or imagine away what i did, what we all did, to Betty Ann.

she came to our school from Cleveland, Ohio, & to our ninth grade classroom in Richmond, Virginia, Cleveland was in another planet.

"oh, hi! ohhooo..." whispered Margie, under her breath, as Mrs Johnson introduced Betty Ann in homeroom that first day. Margie could be real snooty sometimes. nobody took her too seriously when she got into her rich-kid, old-money mood. she'd entertain us with cruise stories & New York gossip every afternoon as we set on the front steps after lunch, licking the icing off oreos & begging quarters for a Dr Pepper from the drink machine in the gym. Margie would try to impress us, in her high-pitched, bragging voice, with the Vogue models she knew & how they shampooed their hair with beer, that people who ate their whole dinner with salad fork were not the kind of people her family wanted her to marry into.

actually, Margie was as insecure & as homely as the rest of us, & her life was about as exciting as the metric system, but we all knew Margie. we all knew everybody,. except Betty Ann. most of us had been in the same class since kindergarden.

then came Betty Ann of Cleveland. in her peasant bluses, rolled-down socks, & strange ideas.

if it had been just Margie who dug into Betty Ann, it wouldn't have turned out the way it did; she probably could have handled that. but we all were in on it.

i guess what started us off was when Betty Ann wrote a better English composition than Susan Henderson. Susan was the writer of the class. & we were very proud of her. Her weekly story was always so good, Miss Moon usually chose it to read aloud to the class every Friday. Susan would sit back in her desk, a pencil stuck behind her ear, looking to all of us just like a promising young literary genius we could say we once knew.

this Friday after Betty Ann arrived on the scene, Susan twirled her pencil, lean back in her desk, & waited for the best composition of the week to be read. hers, of course.

only it wasn't. it was Betty Ann's, & it was about a black poet name Langston Hughes & how he had become a spokesman for his people. Susan's stories were always about horse shows or opening nights.

we'd never heard of Langston Hughes. besides, this was an all-white private school. Martin Luther King was being nailed by most of the adults we knew. all in all, it was a real bomb to have Betty Ann go on about Langston Hughes's "Black Nativity" & his description of the "maple-sugar child" & how he thought Carl Sandburg's poems fall on the page like blood clots of sing from the wounds of humanity.

in Susan's stories, the "telephone jangled" & "the rainbow painted the sky." stuff like that. Betty Ann was writing about the civil war in Spain & the black ghettos of Harlem. Langston Hughes was from Cleveland. we might have guessed.

Mrs Johnson came to the part in Betty Ann's compositon where Langston Hughes writes a poem about how he likes watermelon so much that if he could meet the queen of England, he'd be proud to offer her a piece. that was when Agnes Matherson's eyes caught mine (or was it the other way aound?) & we started imitating the queen of England eating a piece of watermelon. the whole class burst out laughing. the rest of the story was never read, & everybody but Betty Ann had to stay after school & clean blackboards. the next day at lunch, Betty Ann found a note under her lettuce saying we were sorry, but the cafeteria was sho' nuf out of watermelon.

after that, she became the class joke. what she wore, what she said, what she ate somehow gave one of us an idea for a wisecrack. there was a kind of one-upmanship about getting Betty Ann that had less to do with Betty Ann than with our own jungle mentality. i know that now, but i didn't think about it then. she became a pawn.

she started getting sick a lot. there'd be whole weeks when she'd miss school, but the Betty Ann stories went on even without her. she came to our school from another planet. she was our little moron, our Polack, our village idiot.

then one day, Betty Ann & i were assigned a project together. everyone had selected a partner, & i was out of town at a school swimming meet the day the assignment was given, so i got stuck with Betty Ann. everyone kidded me, & i laughed with them. the day before the project was due, i had to go over to her house after school to work on it with her. her mother fixed a plate of cookies & kept coming into the room to see if i wanted more Coke or anything. she said i was the only one of Betty Ann's friends who had come over after school, & she was glad to meet me.

the phone rang while i was there, & it was for me. Betty Ann's mother was in the kitchen when i heard Margie giggling at the other end of the line: "have you eaten any maple sugar candy or watermelon, kiddo?"

she waited for me to snicker an undercover laugh.

i saw Betty Ann's mother just standing in the kitchen with her back to me, pretending not to be listening. it was as if she had heard everything. i hung up. i think it was at that moment when i began to see what we had been doing.

"why don't you girls like Betty Ann? she likes you..."

nobody had ever asked me a question before or since that made me feel so stupid.

if kindness could kill, Betty Ann would have been dead in a week. but it was too late. her parents moved her to another school, then we heard later that she'd had a nervous breakdown.

once, years later when i was home from college, i saw Betty Ann in the doctor's office. she didn't even recognise me.

sticks & stones only break bones. words can shatter the soul. a little, quiet, picked-on 10-year-old runs away because kids on the bus laughs at him. a sensitive ninth-grader flips out because a group of self-rising girls decide to throw her to the wolves. we tell ourselves it takes ore than that to send someone over the edge. maybe so, maybe not.

but there are no erasers.
Ina Hughs

sad story, isn't it? i keep reading the story over & over again, & i even pushed the book to Daddy & ask him to read it. he said yes, reluctantly because i switched off his favourite channel on the TV. however, he could find his specs & he hop back to the sofa & snatch the remote away from my hands. ouch.

I MISS MALAYSIA ALEADY

2007-06-28T20:36:00.000-07:00

i miss Malaysia. )': i miss Jiesi, Hongjie, Hongcai, Uncle James, Aunt Sarah. i miss the food over there, the shopping malls, all the stuffs that i can't really find in Singapore. i suddenly miss the facts that i always lost my way in Malaysia. i just, wanna go back really badly, right now.

THE FREEDOM WRITERS, & THEIR DIARIES

2007-06-26T20:08:00.000-07:00

i guess today was really great, even though design & technology classes was really bored. but Anna & Danker was really great joy. they chat & laugh with me, & Anna even lend me her handphone to play for a really long time. (: after that, have recess with the rest of them & we waited in the parade square to get ready for the movies. the usual stuffs, lined up & we're off to go except that i have to rush to get my standard ticket. =/ yeah, i have a slight asthma attack, 'cos i was feeling all giddy when i make my way up the escalator. anyway, Cathay there was really really packed, especially the place for buying food like popcorns & drinks. i'm like sososo adore Freedom Writers. i could possibly adore any movie that's based on a true story. i like the storyline, you know. i swear i didn't take my eyes off the screen!

fresh–faced, idealistic twenty–three–year–old Erin Gruwell is ready to take on the world as she steps inside Wilson High School for her first day of teaching. her class, a diverse group of racially charged teenagers from different walks of life - african americans, latinos, asians, juvenile delinquents, gang members, & underprivileged students from poor neighborhoods - hope for nothing more than to make it through the day. on the surface, the only thing they share is their hatred for each other and the understanding that they are simply being warehoused in the educational system until they are old enough to disappear. despite her students’ obstinate refusal to participate during class, Erin tries various means to engage them on a daily basis. but then ghetto reality steps in to focus the picture. a racially motivated gang shooting witnessed by a latina gang member in Erin’s class, and an ugly racial cartoon that Erin intercepts during class, become the most unwittingly dynamic teaching aids. they spark a transformation in the classroom, compel them to listen and force her to take off her idealistic blinders and take in the kids’ survival stories of their undeclared war on the streets. Erin begins to connect with them. she brings in music from the ‘Hood, and literature from another kind of ghetto, The Diary of Anne Frank, and with these simple tools she opens her students’ eyes to the experiences of those suffering intolerance throughout the world and the struggles of those outside their own communities. knowing that every one of her students has a story to tell, Erin encourages them to keep a daily journal of their thoughts and experiences. after sharing their stories with one another, the students see their shared experience for the first time and open up to the idea that there are possibilities in life outside of making it to the age of eighteen.

I LOVE FREEDOM WRITERS!

the movie is a must-watch, & yes, i did cried. i finally understand what Daddy is trying to say last night, when i was on the car with him to Ang Mo Kio Central's post office to pay some bills. i told him something about school & he said he have been throught anything that i mentioned. he said that he can't said i'm old enough, or can he said that i'm too young, i'm just a teenager & there's reasons only known to myself why i'm rebellious. after that, train-ed home with Ann & Dewi. was freaking tired, & i'm wondering if i'm attending school tomorrow. now, i'm bugging my parents for The Freedom Writers Diary.

YOU CAN GET ALL THE A's & STILL FLUNK LIFE

2007-06-25T21:27:00.000-07:00

yeah, so school starts & everything was pretty boring actually. it wasn't as bad as i thought, but all i could ever think was that i should quickly end my day & school, getting to hang out with my friends or either go straight home & jump into the bed with Mummy. i saw many people i like, & definitely also people i don't really like. oh, whatever. i'm at a lost of knowing what to do, there's movie day for the school tomorrow but there's also design & technology classes. i screwed up my portfolio & i don't want to go to class empty handed! i think i want to go to school tomorrow, sucked it up for the design & technology classes & go to the movies! (:

JUST A LITTLE BIT MORE

2007-06-23T21:11:00.000-07:00

today is almost redundant, except that it's Brother's 15th birthday & Cynthia's happy sweet 16! Mummy brought 4 little cute cakes & arrange them like above. after all, if we were even to order a cake, we would took days or even weeks to finish it. this would do just fine! alright, school's going to reopen really really soon. & it sucks because my heart always feel heavy when school's starting soon!

i just feel that we need more than 24 hours a day, more than 365 days in a year. well, it's all about how i really organise my time, & i guess i didn't did that well. not only that, i hope i don't get too stress out because i don't think i can manage stress well enough. i guess no one had any freaking idea, that the day Daddy told me that i sleptwalk the night before, is the day i feel that i really can't handle stress as well as i thought i would. hopefully, things change for the better.

DANGEROUS MINDS

2007-06-19T20:42:00.000-07:00

i learned something that no one ever taught me yesterday, not even my mom though. i'm just grateful, for whatever that aunt irin could have told me this afternoon when the rest are playing mahjong, madness. i seriously really envy aunt irin, whatever that could be different for me (as a teen) is also as difficult for her when she was at my age. i got really curious about everything. then i proceed to ask her what she knows about words like, "sarcastic" & other hurtful words that other people were using. actually, i overheard a couple of young teens my age, when i was having lunch with my mom, & they were saying things loud enough for me to hear like -

"wah lan eh, so sarcastic for what? hypocrite loser sial. don't know then don't anyhow say lah. nabeh."

then, there's this guy who puffing away on his cigarette among these young teens. he seems to be getting the respect of this people around him. & he suddenly told them -

"actually, you really know what is the meaning of sarcastic & hypocrite & all those damn chim words people are using nowadays meh? don't crazy lah!"

my mom says this guy is so damn right. laughs. yeah, so back to the topic in which me & aunt irin were talking about. she say she know, but at the same tim, weren't too sure as well. so, see? people around didn't really know what it means, but whatever it is, these words are as hurtful as it sounds. i'm not trying to say that i didn't use these words, you know. i mean, yes, i did use those words at times, like when i was in a bad mood or something like that. sometimes, i hurt people with my words, & i feel just as guilty later on. i said sorry, but deep inside, i'm feeling like -

"so what if i say sorry? if i actually think before i act, then probably all these dramas won't have happened in the first place."

so aunt irin says all the stuffs that make so much sense to me. so what if she's just in her 20s? the way she think is like what a person in his/her 30s would think. mature, sensible, responsible. i love relating to her. she told me about friends. & that as i get older, i would have lesser & lesser friends. there are going to be people who stabbed me in the back, & there's are definitely going to be lesser (or even none) people who stabbed me in the front. i also come to know, that the one(s) that stabbed you in the front are not necessarily called your true friends. they might be just simply straightforward. as simple as it seems. however, the one(s) that stabbed you in the back are definitely not going to be your friends when you grow & go out to work in the society.

aunt irin make an example. imagine, there's this one person who calls you out about 3 times. but each time he/she calls you out, you couldn't make it. be it personal reasons or stupid reasons like, you don't want to go out with that person. gradually, he/she will withdraw from you. why? because you fucking cannot make it when he/she ask you out. yes, society. society is harsh & dramatic. one step wrong, & it's going to be byebye for you. at this age of 16, i find myself thinking in a way that's like -

"16 years of living in this world, there is definitely nothing that i have not seen."

wrong, wrong, fucking wrong i am. so what if i have 16 years of living in this world? i came to think now that i have not really see the society yet. you know, i might have face criticism & all the nasty stuffs that have thrown at me but out there in the society, it's going to be a lot more tougher. aunt irin came out into the society when she was 15 going onto 16. from the day she starts having a job, she stop taking allowance from granny. so, you see? & she land her 1st job in bugis' seiyu somemore! earning roughly about $1700 every month!

okay. so she out into the society so early, she can just easily judge a person by their first meeting or date or whatever it is. oh, & she told me about how life really was for her when she was in secondary school. it's not much changes compared to now, you know. like, girls still called some other girls bitches & nasty stuffs. & also lots of stupid things like starring incidents. she says it's very very common, back then & even now. like, she'll be having lunch with her friends & there's going to be other girls who went -

"eh, you just now stare at me is it? where buay song?" or something like that.

see, the world didn't really change isn't it? but still, everything's going to be harsh. aunt irin told me not to worry. simply because what i (& probably some other girls my age) am going throught is just part & parcel of life. this is what anyone (or rather, girls) have to go throught. trust me, everything that could have been thrown at me, have been thrown at me since primary school. bitch, slut, whore, asshole, freak, prositute, dumbass. whatever. there's more to everything, nothing is simple, at all.

even in relationship, mom told me that if it's meant to go, then it is. aunt irin told me the same thing as well. that if i have to got a boyfriend at this age, it's just going to be puppy love. like all those things like -

yes, puppy love. aunt irin garantee me, that when i grow up & look back one day, i'll be thinking -

"how stupid of me. how stupid of me. really, seriously."

however, that's all her opinion because she have grown up now, & she have been throught all these already! i just hope that i can live up to the expectation of mine & others. i don't want to keep disappointing people i really love. however, at the same time, the people i love are leaving me, one by one. if there's anything on what i ought to know, i'd really want to know why.

I'M AFRAID OF LOOKING BACK

2007-06-17T08:00:00.000-07:00

i have to woke up at a freaking 5.30 AM in the morning yesterday, got my make-up & hair done, & then, rushed to have some breakfast at the market. it's too early for me to eat, but i see so many aunties & uncles tucking in their breakfast already. after that, cabbed all the way to Chua Chu Kang to meet Uncle Alan. give him a call, & he was still in bed, so i went up to his house first & waited for him. Tommy's going as well.

the journey was almost 2 hours long, my ass almost rot & sink into the seat of Uncle Alan's gorgeous car. when we were at the custom in Malaysia, Mummy together with Daddy & Sis went over to Uncle James' car who were already waiting for us at the junction. i remember saying -

"sigh, my ass almost died on me." - laughs at myself.

so yeah, we reached Uncle James' new house, a condo! Aunt Irin & baby Justin was already there days ago! Granny was there as well. bring it on, the house-warming part & Jiesi's first birthday! [: so anyway, went out for some breakfast (again) at the local coffeeshop there, splendid. i have trouble finding toilets, you know. & i did what i always did best, asking for directions. & i didn't even have a single freaking cent with me when i see the RM 20cents cardboard in certain toilets. almost died. i also past by a place, & Dad reminded me of it.

yeah, & we went shopping for DVDs, clothes & food. i brought a red hoody! we also went to Macs, & i'm taking a long time at the queue because i mixed up Singapore money with ringgits. how timely. Uncle Alan drove us back home before they went out again for haircuts, & also having their hair washed. back home, i was having a great time with Justin, who was still totally adorable sweetie.

he send his love to me, in between the doors. (:

justin, & his new toy truck. kisses to it.

oh, i was told, that Justin know how to operate a computer! he knows how to switch it on, & switch it off! he knows how to let some stuffs load, & save them! mavellous. so, i ask him to pose.

evening arrived, & i down to a small povision shop to buy some bubble gums. saw Uncle James, so i help him to collect the birthday cake. it was really really heavy & i'm panting all the way home.

after almost an hour, guests came pouring in. some really don't have manners, just that i didn't say in front of them only. the whole sofa, your ass rest on it can already, need to rest your legs as well? so fucking rude. anyway, i saw this really cool guy who's about 5 or 6, with this really cool hairstyle.

i asked him if school allows this, & that if he got punished for having such a long hair, he said no & that it was allowed in school! it really wow-ed me, you know. after that, we have dinner & basically, it's goodnight already. i was totally tired out & drained, but i really did enjoyed myself.

goodnight Jiesi, happy 1st birthday anyway! [:

THE SUREST CURE FOR VANITY IS LONELINESS

2007-06-14T23:57:00.000-07:00

i was out with April the whole of today! it was tiring, definitely, but it's a hell lots of mavellous fun! we meet up at a coffeeshop near her place & i was a lil late. i got bubbletea already then we headed to the MRT station & went to Cityhall. we went to Marina Square & we went to try on clothes & take pictures in the fitting rooms. it was really fun, because i took whatever clothes that will look nice on me, to put it on them. i hope there'll be a fashion parade in Singapore.

after trying enough clothes in Marina Square, we headed to Yoshinoya & have our lunch. was totally famished, that i could eat a dinosaur. so yeah, we even ordered a second bowl of rice after finishing our first! & among all kinds of cosmetics that we forget to bring, we actually forget to bring our foundation. tsk. so anyway, we also headed to Suntec City Mall. you know, i love it there. April & i went bonkers with the toys & wow, i just feel sosososo young again. i mean, i haven't been having a good time lately & everything is stressing me down. i'm glad that a time-out like this really works.

everything was pretty cool. we play some dolls, ponies, & we even see spongebob squarepants! i had some ice-cream & after that, we bus-ed home. it was a long ride, & we are really really sleepy.

april, thanks so much for the day. you were great great fun, you know?

TEARS ARE THE SILENT LANGUAGE OF GRIEF

2007-06-09T23:11:00.000-07:00

i may have a bad day, but i'm not wearing it on my face. at least, not today.

HATRED IS ONE LONG WAIT

2007-06-08T23:52:00.000-07:00

April & i meet up for dinner today! so, we were having western food at Botak Jones! it's really nice there, my food was one long wait. but nevermind, opened up so much. anyway, Daddy find me there, you know. it's like, really weird to have your father there when you were having dinner with your friend.

i love Botak Jones! April! we should have it again!

so after dinner & greeting Daddy goodbye, we bus-ed to Ang Mo Kio Central's parsa malam! it definitely have more stuffs than the previous one over my place's area. after that, meet up with Roslee & friends. did plenty of photographs, April must be tired out from the jumping.

headed home by myself because April's with Roslee to Ang Mo Kio Hub. (: got home & changed into my sweater & sweatpants. after, off to the castle green area & jog one big round. satisfactory.

UNFORTUNATELY, PEOPLE AREN'T ALWAYS WHAT THEY SEEMS

2007-06-06T21:24:00.000-07:00

i love Celine. thank god for her, & people who really care. seriously. she planned a quiet day out at the beach. & i really apprecaite it darling. i love long bus rides too, 'cos we really get to talk & laugh a lot. i'm like, having some stomach discomfort now. been laughing way too much today! dinner with April soon! i can't wait!

p/s: i've long forgotten, when is the last time i truly laugh my heart out.