Friday, June 29, 2007- LIFE DOESN'T COME WITH ERASERS
today was friday, like finally, you know. lessons wasn't a drag, & before i knew it, it was already recess. fancy having the school to place our P.E lessons after recess, how smart. & to top it off with that, we just had our recess & the teachers are taking our height & weight? damn it. so anyway, we went to the rifle range during assembly. & i was just speechless about what we're going to do there. Mr Lai made this square with some tape, like what the characters did in Freedom Writers. they asked us questions, & if it's positive, we step in.
after assembly at the range, wait outside the hall for April, Zesuan & Yinru. we went to have lunch at the coffeeshop near April's house. Yinru went home, & i went to April's house. we laid the blanket on the floor, put pillows & more blankets, & have both the air-con & fan switched on. we laid there, talked, laughed, giggled about anything we said. this is, truly relaxing. after that, Zesuan came with Maria. not long after, April & i dozed off on the floor. i went home after a while when we fall asleep on the bed for the second time because it's getting late. so April, i hope you don't mind! =/
i went to meet my parents at the mailbox down at the block, & we headed to Ang Mo Kio Hub's food court to have dinner. after that, walked around, have ice-cream & headed home. i read Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul, & there's a story in which i thought would be great if i share it with everyone.
Betty Ann (if you judge people, you have no time to love them.)
we all make them. sometimes, if we're lucky, an eraser would do the trick, and we can rub it across the page, wipe away the dust, & all that's left of our careless mess is a hardly noticeable smudge.
but some mistakes can't be erased. no matter how old or young we are.
i was in the ninth grade the first time i really thought about all this. that year, i learned to diagram sentences on the blackboard, got my learner's permit, wore my first strapless bra, wrote poetry i never read to my parents - but by far, the toughest lesson i learned was that life doesn't come with erasers. i couldn't make something that had happened, not happen. even imagination was powerless. there are no erasers. i was 14, & i wished then, & i wish now, that i could erase or imagine away what i did, what we all did, to Betty Ann.
she came to our school from Cleveland, Ohio, & to our ninth grade classroom in Richmond, Virginia, Cleveland was in another planet.
"oh, hi! ohhooo..." whispered Margie, under her breath, as Mrs Johnson introduced Betty Ann in homeroom that first day. Margie could be real snooty sometimes. nobody took her too seriously when she got into her rich-kid, old-money mood. she'd entertain us with cruise stories & New York gossip every afternoon as we set on the front steps after lunch, licking the icing off oreos & begging quarters for a Dr Pepper from the drink machine in the gym. Margie would try to impress us, in her high-pitched, bragging voice, with the Vogue models she knew & how they shampooed their hair with beer, that people who ate their whole dinner with salad fork were not the kind of people her family wanted her to marry into.
actually, Margie was as insecure & as homely as the rest of us, & her life was about as exciting as the metric system, but we all knew Margie. we all knew everybody,. except Betty Ann. most of us had been in the same class since kindergarden.
then came Betty Ann of Cleveland. in her peasant bluses, rolled-down socks, & strange ideas.
if it had been just Margie who dug into Betty Ann, it wouldn't have turned out the way it did; she probably could have handled that. but we all were in on it.
i guess what started us off was when Betty Ann wrote a better English composition than Susan Henderson. Susan was the writer of the class. & we were very proud of her. Her weekly story was always so good, Miss Moon usually chose it to read aloud to the class every Friday. Susan would sit back in her desk, a pencil stuck behind her ear, looking to all of us just like a promising young literary genius we could say we once knew.
this Friday after Betty Ann arrived on the scene, Susan twirled her pencil, lean back in her desk, & waited for the best composition of the week to be read. hers, of course.
only it wasn't. it was Betty Ann's, & it was about a black poet name Langston Hughes & how he had become a spokesman for his people. Susan's stories were always about horse shows or opening nights.
we'd never heard of Langston Hughes. besides, this was an all-white private school. Martin Luther King was being nailed by most of the adults we knew. all in all, it was a real bomb to have Betty Ann go on about Langston Hughes's "Black Nativity" & his description of the "maple-sugar child" & how he thought Carl Sandburg's poems fall on the page like blood clots of sing from the wounds of humanity.
in Susan's stories, the "telephone jangled" & "the rainbow painted the sky." stuff like that. Betty Ann was writing about the civil war in Spain & the black ghettos of Harlem. Langston Hughes was from Cleveland. we might have guessed.
Mrs Johnson came to the part in Betty Ann's compositon where Langston Hughes writes a poem about how he likes watermelon so much that if he could meet the queen of England, he'd be proud to offer her a piece. that was when Agnes Matherson's eyes caught mine (or was it the other way aound?) & we started imitating the queen of England eating a piece of watermelon. the whole class burst out laughing. the rest of the story was never read, & everybody but Betty Ann had to stay after school & clean blackboards. the next day at lunch, Betty Ann found a note under her lettuce saying we were sorry, but the cafeteria was sho' nuf out of watermelon.
after that, she became the class joke. what she wore, what she said, what she ate somehow gave one of us an idea for a wisecrack. there was a kind of one-upmanship about getting Betty Ann that had less to do with Betty Ann than with our own jungle mentality. i know that now, but i didn't think about it then. she became a pawn.
she started getting sick a lot. there'd be whole weeks when she'd miss school, but the Betty Ann stories went on even without her. she came to our school from another planet. she was our little moron, our Polack, our village idiot.
then one day, Betty Ann & i were assigned a project together. everyone had selected a partner, & i was out of town at a school swimming meet the day the assignment was given, so i got stuck with Betty Ann. everyone kidded me, & i laughed with them. the day before the project was due, i had to go over to her house after school to work on it with her. her mother fixed a plate of cookies & kept coming into the room to see if i wanted more Coke or anything. she said i was the only one of Betty Ann's friends who had come over after school, & she was glad to meet me.
the phone rang while i was there, & it was for me. Betty Ann's mother was in the kitchen when i heard Margie giggling at the other end of the line: "have you eaten any maple sugar candy or watermelon, kiddo?"
she waited for me to snicker an undercover laugh.
i saw Betty Ann's mother just standing in the kitchen with her back to me, pretending not to be listening. it was as if she had heard everything. i hung up. i think it was at that moment when i began to see what we had been doing.
"why don't you girls like Betty Ann? she likes you..."
nobody had ever asked me a question before or since that made me feel so stupid.
if kindness could kill, Betty Ann would have been dead in a week. but it was too late. her parents moved her to another school, then we heard later that she'd had a nervous breakdown.
once, years later when i was home from college, i saw Betty Ann in the doctor's office. she didn't even recognise me.
sticks & stones only break bones. words can shatter the soul. a little, quiet, picked-on 10-year-old runs away because kids on the bus laughs at him. a sensitive ninth-grader flips out because a group of self-rising girls decide to throw her to the wolves. we tell ourselves it takes ore than that to send someone over the edge. maybe so, maybe not.
but there are no erasers.
sad story, isn't it? i keep reading the story over & over again, & i even pushed the book to Daddy & ask him to read it. he said yes, reluctantly because i switched off his favourite channel on the TV. however, he could find his specs & he hop back to the sofa & snatch the remote away from my hands. ouch.
Drew walks by me, can he tell that I can't breathe?
And there he goes, so perfectly
The kind of flawless I wish I could be
She'd better hold him tight, give him all her love
Look in those beautiful eyes and know she's lucky cause
your profile here.
He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do
your wishlist here.
So I drive home alone, as I turn out the light
I'll put his picture down and maybe
Get some sleep tonight
your tagboard here.
keep the width within 120.
He's the time taken up but there's never enough
And he's all that I need to fall into...