i learned something that no one ever taught me yesterday, not even my mom though. i'm just grateful, for whatever that aunt irin could have told me this afternoon when the rest are playing mahjong, madness. i seriously really envy aunt irin, whatever that could be different for me (as a teen) is also as difficult for her when she was at my age. i got really curious about everything. then i proceed to ask her what she knows about words like, "sarcastic" & other hurtful words that other people were using. actually, i overheard a couple of young teens my age, when i was having lunch with my mom, & they were saying things loud enough for me to hear like -

"wah lan eh, so sarcastic for what? hypocrite loser sial. don't know then don't anyhow say lah. nabeh."

then, there's this guy who puffing away on his cigarette among these young teens. he seems to be getting the respect of this people around him. & he suddenly told them -

"actually, you really know what is the meaning of sarcastic & hypocrite & all those damn chim words people are using nowadays meh? don't crazy lah!"

my mom says this guy is so damn right. laughs. yeah, so back to the topic in which me & aunt irin were talking about. she say she know, but at the same tim, weren't too sure as well. so, see? people around didn't really know what it means, but whatever it is, these words are as hurtful as it sounds. i'm not trying to say that i didn't use these words, you know. i mean, yes, i did use those words at times, like when i was in a bad mood or something like that. sometimes, i hurt people with my words, & i feel just as guilty later on. i said sorry, but deep inside, i'm feeling like -

"so what if i say sorry? if i actually think before i act, then probably all these dramas won't have happened in the first place."

so aunt irin says all the stuffs that make so much sense to me. so what if she's just in her 20s? the way she think is like what a person in his/her 30s would think. mature, sensible, responsible. i love relating to her. she told me about friends. & that as i get older, i would have lesser & lesser friends. there are going to be people who stabbed me in the back, & there's are definitely going to be lesser (or even none) people who stabbed me in the front. i also come to know, that the one(s) that stabbed you in the front are not necessarily called your true friends. they might be just simply straightforward. as simple as it seems. however, the one(s) that stabbed you in the back are definitely not going to be your friends when you grow & go out to work in the society.

aunt irin make an example. imagine, there's this one person who calls you out about 3 times. but each time he/she calls you out, you couldn't make it. be it personal reasons or stupid reasons like, you don't want to go out with that person. gradually, he/she will withdraw from you. why? because you fucking cannot make it when he/she ask you out. yes, society. society is harsh & dramatic. one step wrong, & it's going to be byebye for you. at this age of 16, i find myself thinking in a way that's like -

"16 years of living in this world, there is definitely nothing that i have not seen."

wrong, wrong, fucking wrong i am. so what if i have 16 years of living in this world? i came to think now that i have not really see the society yet. you know, i might have face criticism & all the nasty stuffs that have thrown at me but out there in the society, it's going to be a lot more tougher. aunt irin came out into the society when she was 15 going onto 16. from the day she starts having a job, she stop taking allowance from granny. so, you see? & she land her 1st job in bugis' seiyu somemore! earning roughly about $1700 every month!

okay. so she out into the society so early, she can just easily judge a person by their first meeting or date or whatever it is. oh, & she told me about how life really was for her when she was in secondary school. it's not much changes compared to now, you know. like, girls still called some other girls bitches & nasty stuffs. & also lots of stupid things like starring incidents. she says it's very very common, back then & even now. like, she'll be having lunch with her friends & there's going to be other girls who went -

"eh, you just now stare at me is it? where buay song?" or something like that.

see, the world didn't really change isn't it? but still, everything's going to be harsh. aunt irin told me not to worry. simply because what i (& probably some other girls my age) am going throught is just part & parcel of life. this is what anyone (or rather, girls) have to go throught. trust me, everything that could have been thrown at me, have been thrown at me since primary school. bitch, slut, whore, asshole, freak, prositute, dumbass. whatever. there's more to everything, nothing is simple, at all.

even in relationship, mom told me that if it's meant to go, then it is. aunt irin told me the same thing as well. that if i have to got a boyfriend at this age, it's just going to be puppy love. like all those things like -

yes, puppy love. aunt irin garantee me, that when i grow up & look back one day, i'll be thinking -

"how stupid of me. how stupid of me. really, seriously."

however, that's all her opinion because she have grown up now, & she have been throught all these already! i just hope that i can live up to the expectation of mine & others. i don't want to keep disappointing people i really love. however, at the same time, the people i love are leaving me, one by one. if there's anything on what i ought to know, i'd really want to know why.